June 28 2024: Tending Grief
heart, body and soul
Editor’s Note
I’ve been struggling with organizing my thoughts and words again. Instead of waiting for just the right moment when everything comes together seamlessly, I am allowing my words to be as disjointed, sharp and alternatingly soft as they may be. Which, I suppose, is how grief feels anyway so I’m right on theme for today’s letter.
If you notice any mishaps in my writing today… thank you for your kindness and compassion. ENJOY!
Note on gender… I write in the tense of woman… please change as needed for your identity as gender… for such teachings apply to us all.
Sweetest Grass Roots Devotionals is about making a promise to devote time and give sacred space to our healing, our internal processes. I share my practice with you in hopes it inspires you to create your own. To show the way. How to live more deeply within your awareness and connection of the microcosmic world, and in turn our macrocosmic universe.
Love & Light, Isabella
Grab a cup of tea, plate of scones and sit by the window listening to bird song while you read…
Tending Grief… heart, body and soul
The silence fractures into a thousand shards of glass,
A kaleidoscope in a myriad of shadows and shades,
Sharp and tearing,
Damage done,
A thousand shifts in mindsets,
Positivity encouraged in lieu of the work needed for grief and transforming,
But one cannot stay on the surface,
Depth must be found,
And only here,
Can grief accomplish the task,
Transcending down into the depths of roots and soil,
Comforting darkness awaits.
My mother taught me how to swim at a young age. She grew up surrounded by lakes in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA and I don’t remember a time when we didn’t live by the water. She taught me how to swim to the depths metaphorically, while swim teachers taught me how to become buoyant. Curling my body in on itself, tucking head and chin, arms braced around my legs. My brother taught me how to hold my breath for a ridiculous amount of time.
In Florida, where the water was so blue and clear, once upon a time, at the edges of the gulf, the sun could look like it was at the bottom of the ocean.
It was a trick that even an experienced swimmer might fall for, swimming deeper and deeper expecting to break free of the surface that never comes, drowning into the ocean.
My swim teachers taught me how to use my body’s natural buoyancy to feel through the deception. How to wrap myself into a ball, hold my breath, close my eyes and allow the air in my lungs to float my body to the surface. To have faith until I could once again feel my skin break the surface of the water. I would uncurl into a back float while surveying my position –
This was exceptionally important if I was ever in the grasp of an undertow where the world is turned upside down. I was told, ‘Don’t fight the current, it will take you as far as it will go, reserve your strength for the return trip, curl into a ball, float to the surface like a buoy, roll into a back float, and then, take a look around.’
How far am I from shore? Is that a dolphin nearby or a shark? Helper or hunter? Can I swim back? Dolphins were notorious for helping humans get back to shore in the 1980’s, which I type now like I used to type ‘the 1960’s’.
I never really thought about it until just now, this minute, how similar this is to navigating grief.
Of course, I was one who avoided the undertow areas at all costs. No sense in the risk when it could be so easily avoided. I see now how this mindset has translated into the rest of my life.
At the center of grief, is the heart. What is the most heart-centered gift to give ourselves while grieving? Self-compassion, grace and patience.
Grief cannot be contained or controlled. It must have the room to play out as it will.
Dr. Levine talks about how a traumatized person “stays in a state of acute and then chronic arousal and dysfunction in the Central Nervous System.”
Vanessa Chakour paraphrases what she read from his book, Walking the Tiger, that trauma is “a highly activated incomplete biological response to threat, frozen in time” and “if we are held down, immobilized and unable to flight or flee, the energy generated by our survival instinct gets stuck in the body.”
This leaves us with open wounds that must be tended in order to be healed. That doesn’t mean it will heal pretty, seamlessly or without scarring.
It doesn’t mean we ignore the need for antibiotics when opportunistic infections prey upon our weakened immune system while we grieve, or fluids and rest when that virus we had been fighting off for so long finally breaches the flood gates and sets up residence in our bodies while we cry and scream. Mind-over-matter is not a trick that works on grief.
We tend our wounds – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Stories and songs become our containers and ships in the night as we ride out the storms, as we rebuild fractured minds and bodies into our new world.
Just for Today…
We apply antibiotic ointment to Figgy’s tail,
For me, teas and flower medicine that work on all levels,
Shadow’s need for Sun, Grass and Fresh Air in the Tree’s Garden,
We sing, we pray, we dance to cover our bases,
We give space for big emotions,
The width, the breadth and the height of it all,
We light a candle and pray to The Mother for another miracle,
She has so many to give,
To light a physical candle of wax and wick when we are crumbling,
And our Soul Candle lit brightly into the darkness when we are stronger,
Hugs, snuggles and footsy rubs liberally applied like salve as needed.
Tangled Snakes of the Mind and Playing Devil’s Advocate
I still have them. Some days my mind is so tangled up I might as well be Medusa. In all this time. It’s never occurred to me to just put the head dress down, let those snakes slither around on their own and walk away. To give permission to myself to do so is a revolutionary act.
I wake up at 2am with the compulsion to dive deep into the swamp land and untangle everything. It has become my routine now before starting the day. Walking and talking about every tiny thing that comes up to release it.
But what if I could just release it without all the work? At the very least, put the snakes back into the swamp. Can I do this? Is it possible? I feel like my mind has been blown. A big white space of possibilities with the thought of it.
If we are letting things go into the swamp, maybe I can let this go too: The incessant need to dissect everything in an effort to understand. My body breathes a sigh of relief at the thought. Maybe.
But…
If I don’t dissect every thought, every avenue, how can I keep myself safe? I’ve put down the thoughts before multiple times but the trauma just kept coming back up; kept interfering with life. Did I not do it right?
I’ve tried just living life with in-adequately explained health symptoms taking them as they come in waves without answers, but that didn’t keep me safe or pain free either.
And…
If I don’t, who will?
Without it…
Where will my creativity come from? My writings, my paintings, they are all born from this process. They call artists tortured for a reason.
Maia toll suggested to me recently the following image of Medusa and my tangled snakes: I, as Medusa with a head full of tangled, slithering snakes, lay down in the swamp and just let them swim away.
This idea of being reborn in the swamp, re-emerging into a new life, an awakened life, perhaps even a healed life.
But…
If the snakes go away, return to the swamp, leave me, abandon me, then… Who will be my friend? Who will keep me company in this world I live in?
But…
What if I’ve been too focused on ‘watching thoughts’ that they have mesmerized me? Have I missed the deeper wisdoms? Will my creativity come from a deeper well? Have I spent too much time just below the surface and not truly in the depths?
I was told, once upon a time, that we have to learn how to live with our trauma standing next to us, our grief. I question this now, as I did then. I tried to live outside this concept, but it didn’t work. I tried living with this concept, and yet that did not work either. I have read all the books, bared my self open in behavioral and cognitive therapies, journaled thousands of words disjointed and sharp, looked for hope in the darkness, prayed and sang my songs of healing that emerged from the depths of the Amazon Rainforest, I studied and changed my nutrition while praying on the bones of my ancestors strung up on thread. When this wasn’t enough, I looked to the East and its wisdoms. I did everything that was asked of me and more.
Still, I have no universal answer. I barely have any form of an answer for myself. Grief is so personal, so deep and ever-expanding, it can be hard to find our way.
Perhaps, we do it together. Friend to friend. One person at a time. Until our daisy chain is complete and dancing sun-wise in the flowered meadow (click here for the full poem from the previous Sweetest Grass Roots Devotionals).
So until the words rise again…
Love and Light,
Isabella, Pups and Family
Starting YOUR New Practice Today
As you read this work, what percolated up from your subconscious? Emotions? Thoughts? Images? Does my work inspire you to create one of your own?
Processing Grief through Creation… Words, Artwork, Jewelry, DIY Rosary or Prayer Beads. Pick one or two for your physical practice today and see what happens! Don’t forget to journal about it so your future self will have a road map on challenging days.
As I am ever curious about YOU… Please leave a comment below…
Thank YOU & Links
Thank YOU for reading my latest Sweetest Grass Roots Devotionals and supporting my Great Work. I’ve also included a few links for you today… About includes more information about me and my movement (for those who are curious), Three Sisters’ Grove Shoppe is where you can find my beautiful digital creations that I am starting to put together (artwork, music, healings and more!), and of course for those who aren’t yet subscribers… Subscribe now to become a Free Subscriber while you’re in the groove!
Today’s Resources
Poetry/Quotes: Unless otherwise stated, I wrote it :) IEM 2024
My Artwork & Photos: You can still purchase the Dreaming Tree painting print as a digital download. Lavender Flowers (Set of 4) photo prints are available as well, in addition to today’s featured photos! These are wonderful prints to include on your altar, bookshelf, dresser, taped to your bathroom mirror, paste into your journal (etc.), and/or printed as unique gifts for friends, family and students… as a reminder to Keep your Self Rooted so that YOU keep Growing Tall and Sweetly Flowering!
Today’s Post:
My Journal Entries: Dated June 8 - June 28, 2024.
Maia Toll’s Substack Subscription (click here for link)
Quotes and Paraphrases of Dr. Levine: Awakening Artemis by Vanessa Chakour
What I am Still Actively Reading:
Eastern Body, Western Mind by Anodea Judith
Awakening Artemis by Vanessa Chakour
Wood Becomes Water by Gail Reichstein
What We’ve been up to
Shadow and I have been binge watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 19 for the in-between moments in our week while Figgy naps. Trying to stay on top of my reading comprehension exercises, which at least gets to include all my favorite books! AND of course following my doctor’s orders to soak up all that beautiful summer sunshine for my vitamin d :) Physical therapy took an unexpected turn these last 2 weeks, but I am back on track and have new exercises for the next 2 weeks.
Otherwise… We are still trying to keep our heads and hearts on straight through the cascade of it all. Check out my Notes to see how the puppies are doing and other fun tidbits I managed to post!
Love & Light,
Isabella, Pups & Family
Thank YOU again for helping to support my Great Works!
